Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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