Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Randomize
