Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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