On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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