There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
