maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Just pee around me
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
