You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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