I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
