i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
