My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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