dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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