she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
