4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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