i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
