she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
