You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
