why didn't you poke me back
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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