Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Someone came in the potted fern
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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