: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Randomize
