apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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