What did we do last night that was yellow?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
