I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
