On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
i came on her dog
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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