i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
