Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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