woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
