Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
mondays should just be called national damage control day
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
