Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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