Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
