I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
