i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
