Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
