Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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