can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
