She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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