I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
