My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
