My Higher Power is John Stamos
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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im six kinds of drunk right now
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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