i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
