i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
