Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
