He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
