sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
