i need an iv and a liver transplant
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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