Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
