I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Randomize
