just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
