Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
