I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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