I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
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