there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
