If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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