When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
