when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Randomize
